I always feel like i'm on a constant roller coaster, one minute, I am the happiest girl alive, then the next second, it plummets at an exponential rate. How do i achieve stability and harmony, and not reach hyper inflation or deflation, when a particular event rocks my world. Similar to the world economy, when one country suffers, it impacts another one. Look at the Europe situation right now with Greece's rapid decline and economic uncertainty, it is in recession, and its impacting its surrounding countries, especialy the ones that is dependent on its economic strength, it's contagious. Sometimes, I feel like my life goes on a similar wavelength, but I don't have the IMF to bail me out, or other countries really helping me.
Sometimes, as uncertain as i am, I find that I can only depend on myself, my internal strength. Perhaps i don't tolerate weakness or that I don't know how to handle it, or maybe it's the understanding that it is not constructive, that my strength, somehow, carries others. You may interpret this internal quality as being cold hearted, or having a sense of discare. My sisters says that I have no emotional attachment to things that should be important to me. Perhaps that is true, but how is that beneficial to myself or to others if I cry uncontrollably on the floor.
I once again recall what a wise manager had said to me before, that in times of stress, when mistakes are made, say sorry, and that you will take more care in the future and won't make the mistake again. Don't cry, don't give excuses, because it shows that you have either no confidence in yourself or your task at hand, or that you are someone who is stubborn and refuses to learn. Both of which, are a negative attribute. Perhaps, applying the same doctrine to other areas of my life, it is easy to see why others will misunderstand me.
As years passes on, I no longer let many events shake me, or put me in a place of stress and unease. At times when the possibility of it is great, I step outside and look at it from a third party's point of view. I become objective. Or perhaps, I have had so many events that rocked my boat, that I simply became immuned to most of life's ups and downs.
Sometimes i wonder about my instincts and the decisions that I make. I always seem to be so certain about my decisions, but in time, it becomes more clear that I was probably wrong. Yet, time after time again, I continue to do so, with so much hope and faith. Maybe what will bring my downfall is my enthusiasm and optimism in the world, because the world is no longer innocent, it is a war, that you must fight or die trying. At least my enthusiasm seems to be fighting it. I know a lot of people who are my age, by now, would have accepted the fact that the world is a cruel place. Maybe that's why they find my nature so inspiring. I wonder if i'm trying to inspire myself, because i refuse the accept the world's cruelty, maybe i'm hiding because i'm scared to face it as it is.
It is simply easier to live with optimism, with hope, then wake up each day feeling a sense of dread.
I just hope that the decisions i have made, and the decisions that i will make, is the right one.
Because I really am tired of it all, and I'm not sure I can handle more disappointments in life. I know I bring it on myself, but I hate regret more than disappointments.
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